Happiness waits just around the corner, but we prevent ourselves from getting it because there is something we must have first. Frankly, I’m sick of waiting.
Waiting to be ‘fit’ again. Waiting until I’ve created a ‘successful’ business, until I have a steady income, until aspects of my health are better.
I don’t want to wait to be happy anymore.
After looking through photos of my past I was in awe of how joyful I seemed, and how I remember feeling. Where did that girl go? Where did the joy go? I want that and I don’t want to have to waste any more of life trying to get it by putting stipulations on happiness.
I look back and wonder if it was simply the age and stage of my life. There are so many less decisions and responsibilities when we are younger. Less expectations. Go to school and get good grades seemed to be the extent of the expectations. Although there was some level of stress at the time it wasn’t enough to get in the way of joy.
With each year that passes it seems another brick is added to my backpack of expectations. As I near 30 I feel as though I’m almost buckling under the weight.
This weight has made it nearly impossible to recognize happiness, and it seems I’m not the only one. We carry around expectations we have for ourselves and others, and because of them we are unable to achieve the only things that truly matter. Contentment. Connection. Happiness. Gratitude.
Everything in life becomes not enough, including ourselves.
So we look outside of ourselves. Consume, distract, purchase….anything to feel for an instant better. Unfortunately that feeling doesn’t last long and we are in search of our next hit.
Is this how we want to live? In a constant state of discontent with tiny fleeting hits of faux happiness?
It’s not how I want to live.
Every single day is a practice of refinding what joy is. Refinding that carefree spirited, joyful woman that is my innate self. The person I know I am under the weight of not enough. Trying to remember that she exists and that it’s okay to be happy without a perfect body, a million dollars, a house, a steady ‘normal’ job, a closet full of brand name clothes, awards hanging from my walls, and without fulfilling anyone else’s expectations. It’s something that lives in each of us, but seems to go dormant at some stage in life.
What dictates our happiness? When will we get there? Do you really have to wait? Do you want to?