I always wanted to be a writer. Well perhaps always is an over statement, but for quite a long time. I grew up writing poems, devouring novels, scribbling in journals and then graduated to college essays, dreamed of being a travel writer, of freelance work, a professional blogger.
All of a sudden the words have stopped.
Writing has always been my best form of communication. I’m not great at talking about the hard stuff, but damn can I write the hell out of it.
So writing a blog a week should be a snap. It should be joy filled. I intend to write a book and if I intend to do that I should be able to write one blog a week.
It seems though the words have halted.
Of course I wonder if I need to be better at forcing my butt down to write, even when nothing seems to be flowing. Perhaps it’s my own fear of what I should be writing. What do people want to read? What am I supposed to write about?
I think maybe I’m writing too much for everyone else and not enough for myself anymore.
The thing is when I forget to write for myself it doesn't come from my soul, it comes from fear. A fear that what I write or create from deep down in me won’t be liked.
There it is.
My fear of not being accepted, liked, or successful. It may be showing up as writer’s block, showing up in a blog, but as I write it I realize it’s a theme that comes up for me in various aspects of my life.
It’s this thing that chases me endlessly. Just when I think I’ve outrun it, I stop to catch my breath and there it is. Staring at me dead in the eyes. It’s cunning and tireless.
In many ways I’ve said, f*ck you, to what I’m ‘supposed’ to do. Yet, somehow the ‘should’ snuck in the back door. Despite choosing my own path (no matter what other people think), that fear of what other people think still finds its way in. Perhaps fear is trying to protect us.
How do we move beyond it? Or do we move with it….or despite it?
Even as I write this my mind trying to convince me I need to write something else, because this mumbo jumbo is not blog worthy. I start to wrack my brain on what other sites or blogs post and how they do it. Distract myself by 'researching.' But that’s them, and this is me. I’m not them.
So what is the take away for you (the reader)?
- that no matter what we see put out there deep down most of us face a fear
- things always have an ebb and flow, we won't always be 'on'
- often our fear has to do with acceptance or belonging
- to do it anyway even if it isn’t ‘right’
- to not try to copy other’s success tactics
- you may learn something about yourself or the situation by taking a step back to reflect
Doing things differently does not mean you aren’t afraid. Being afraid doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it….but maybe you shouldn’t, only you know the answer to that.